id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
