shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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