is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
