i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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