first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
