from now on my penis is your penis
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
