I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
