I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
