Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
