how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
