If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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