Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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