I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Still dying that you shit outside
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
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