Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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