You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
