I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
