Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
