Your face is a jimmy john
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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