I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
