he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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