Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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