Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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