We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
