I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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