I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
