The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Actions speak louder than pants.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
