I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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