I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
