you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
