in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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