oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Im part way to drunk.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
