I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I have surprise drugs for everyone
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
