we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
