I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize