I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
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