To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
