I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
