I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
