my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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