by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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