i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize