What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
