I hate your face
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
