Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Randomize