My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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