You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
