I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
