If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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