I'm drive I can fine osifer
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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