1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize