Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
