By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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