somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
