i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize