i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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