I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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