Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
