Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
