i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
