Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
