You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
